


was wüßtest du von mir mehr (als von der Hölle)

by lastlegs (forgetme)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, First Kiss, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post Fourth Shinobi War, Post-Canon, Present Tense, Pretentious, Returning Home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2013-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-04 06:40:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1077792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetme/pseuds/lastlegs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the war a man called Hatake Kakashi returns to a place called Konoha. (loosely based on something to remember (just in case)</p>
            </blockquote>





	was wüßtest du von mir mehr (als von der Hölle)

Kakashi goes home to shower, to dump his things and to put on a fresh uniform. He ignores his doctor’s advice to get some sleep. In the space of twenty minutes, he has left crisscrossing footprints on his dusty floorboards and slipped out the front door again.

***

There’s a key to Gai’s apartment in his pocket. It’s on the same ring as the key to his own apartment, but it still gleams shiny, new and silver. Although it’s neither of those things, just unused.

Breaking into Gai’s place is almost too easy, or so Kakashi says every time he finds a way (which sometimes takes him hours).  

This time he’s inside in less than ten minutes. Gai’s traps have lost a lot of their snap over the weeks he wasn’t home to renew them. Kakashi knows exactly how to exploit those weaknesses.

The lock clicks open under his nimble fingers and he steps into the dark hallway, not quite sure yet what to expect. Shadows hang from Gai’s walls; they nestle in the corners with the spider webs, waiting.

Kakashi doesn’t blink. He kicks off his sandals like he’s coming home. There was no light in the windows when he stood on the street and looked up, but there’s light now, a thin line under the door to the living-room. Kakashi didn’t hear footsteps or the click of the switch being flipped.

Gai is good.

Well, of course he is.

***

It’s Kakashi who opens the door after a minute of tense waiting, waiting for Gai to make the first move. Gai knows Kakashi is here; Kakashi knows Gai knows.

Kakashi can’t wait.  In the space of every blink, black threads crawl over his skin. Tendrils of darkness are sleeping under his closed eyelid. He’s been feeling cold, even during his short stay in Sunagakure. Konoha _is_ cold; winter is in the process of settling in like a fat cat, traipsing in a big circle once before lying down. Soon there’ll be snow. Covering the gravestones.

But the cold he’s feeling, it’s not coming from an outside source.

He slides one hand into his pocket and fingers the object hidden in its depth.

This is probably a very bad idea.

***

Inside Gai’s tiny living-room it’s unusually warm. The shift in temperature hits Kakashi hard; it feels almost as if he’s stepping into a solid thing that only gradually allows him entry before engulfing his whole body. It makes Kakashi feel a little icky, like he’s been jumped and licked against his will. Which has happened before.

Needless to say, Gai was involved.

Gai, who is currently sitting on his scratchy old couch, wearing only a pair of pastel green boxer briefs. There’s a panda stitched onto the fabric covering the skin below Gai’s right hip.  Because of the way Gai’s position makes the fabric crease, it’s a very sad looking panda.

“Kakashi! I didn’t know you were here!” says Gai. His voice rings out loud with honest surprise.

 _Liar_ , thinks Kakashi, but he nods as he takes off his gloves and stuffs them into his pocket. It _is_ warm. His palms are damp with sweat.

“Just got back. Thought I’d fill you in, see how things’ve been going on your end. You know, that sort of thing.” It’s a good, solid half-truth. Kakashi casually shuts the door behind him. What he’s planning is definitely an only behind closed doors-sort of thing. He takes a step towards the couch.  

“Ah! It’s just like the Hokage’s very own teacher and advisor to think that way!” Gai dips his head in thoughtful appreciation of Great Advisor Hatake Kakashi. His bowl cut looks perfectly smooth and glossy in the lamplight, Kakashi notices. He also notices that this is an angle that conveniently hides Gai’s eyes in the shadow of his prominent brow. Gai’s talking bullshit.

Well, of course he is.

***

Kakashi’s only been Naruto’s advisor for a couple of weeks, and he’s barely done any advising since the war ended. They travelled from hidden village to hidden village, talking peace, talking future, but Kakashi… He didn’t do much of the talking. Mostly he sat in uncomfortable chairs, longing for a dirty book or even a clean one. Just something to read.

He felt out of place, especially in Sunagakure. There, at the big table, he sat next to Sakura and listened to Naruto and Gaara talk. The young Kazekage, who was sitting between his brother and sister, spoke of the future, of the bonds between Sunagakure and Konoha, but Kakashi had a hard time paying attention to what he was saying. There were people in the room whose fathers or mothers or siblings had been killed by Konoha shinobi, people who’d fought and killed Konoha shinobi themselves. And all he could think was that Gaara’s words sounded nice, but that, in the end, things were more complicated than that. They were the youngest men in the whole room that day, Naruto and Gaara, the Hokage and the Kazekage.

Maybe they hadn’t noticed it yet. It had taken _Kakashi_ years, after all, to understand that every time you leave a battlefield, there’s a part of you that stays behind.  

***

When Gai lifts his head and shadows slip and melt away, Kakashi sees, just for a terrible second, a face splitting in two. He blinks and catches himself.

“So what did I miss?” he drawls, half-bored.

_Apart from the obvious._

“Nothing.”

Usually, there would have been an unending stream of Gai detailing his training routines of the past weeks, sharing anecdotes about his students, bragging about missions. This silence is new, and, in a way, it speaks volumes. 

Gai looks at him with hooded eyes that make Kakashi want to raise an eyebrow and dig for his real answer. He doesn’t, though.

Instead he saunters over and sits down on the couch next to Gai, who scoots to make room.

“Two weeks of nothing?” Kakashi lets the words roll off his tongue, half-mockingly. “That’s not like you.”

“I’ve been meditating. More importantly, how did the negotiations go, Rival? You said you were here to fill me in!”

A shoddy attempt at changing the subject.

Kakashi can smell sake on Gai’s breath. He doesn’t know if he’s surprised by that or not. The smell of sake mixed with aftershave and cheap musky shower gel. Gai smells like a middle-aged man. He has definitely completed the transition from “big brother” to “uncle”.

Kakashi risks shooting a glance down, at the soft little bulge next to the crumpled panda. He feels a twinge of something below his stomach, an unmistakable tightening.

“Hmmm, I don’t really feel like talking about that anymore…”

“What?! You--!” As expected, Gai’s face changes color.

“It’s not that important…” Kakashi sighs. He looks at Gai’s belly button. It’s got a very friendly look, like a winking eye, but it’s moving back and forth a little hectically, what with Gai being so close to hyperventilating already.

“Not that--? Those negotiations concern the future of all nations! THEY’RE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT EVER HAPPENED! HOW CAN YOU EVEN--?!” From the look of him, Gai is about to pop a gasket. His eyes are bulging; Kakashi can actually see a vein pulsing in his forehead.

He smiles.

“They were kind of boring, to be honest.”

Gai has moved beyond words. He is a suffocating fish, stranded in an unfamiliar, incomprehensible world.

Kakashi shrugs; he’s starting to feel somewhat trapped in this bizarre situation of his own making. “Naruto is going to make an official announcement tomorrow, so there’s really no need to tell you now.”

“Then why did you come here?!”  Gai erupts, as predictable as an ancient geyser, and Kakashi lets out another heartfelt sigh.

***

Since the end of the war, he’s been thinking about conversations he could have with Gai. He’s gone over them in his head, over and over, forming the words, the sentences, everything. They never worked. His imagination would supply Gai’s potential replies and within minutes Kakashi would find himself having silent shouting matches with the voice in his head.  

How could one put it into words anyway? That feeling he’d had that night in the tent with Gai?

He’d treasured that moment. It was too precious even to jerk off to it during the nights he spent sleeping in strange beds in fancy inns all over the world while he was travelling with Naruto.

Every night his thoughts had been in Konoha.

***

You can’t go home after a war.

Hatake Kakashi would return to the Hidden Leaf; he’d known that when the fight was won, but he’d also known that he wouldn’t be the man who’d left the village months ago, and Konoha, too, would be a different place.

So he’d spent hours thinking about Gai getting back to the village, Gai who would be walking through the village gates, carrying that knowledge on his back.

 You can never go back home.

***

 _I missed you,_ that would be the answer _._ However, it’s just another half-truth, one that’s beneath them, so Kakashi doesn’t even bother saying it aloud.

 He’ll just have to take Gai’s question as his cue.

***

He gets up as if to leave and watches Gai fish for words impotently, _thisclose_ to flailing and yelling – if only he had something to yell.

“Kakashi!” That’s all that comes out and Gai’s about to jump up; Kakashi can see the muscles tensing under his skin, but Kakashi cuts him off by rolling down his mask.

“It’s too warm in here,” he tells Gai by way of non-explanation.

And then he crawls into Gai’s lap and covers Gai’s mouth with his lips.

***

It’s easy, far easier than Kakashi thought. Gai doesn’t fight him. He’s just surprised.

Well, of course he is.

Kakashi can tell that much, can feel the tension in Gai’s shoulders and see his eyes widen in that tiny moment Kakashi allows himself before letting his eyelid slide shut. He wants the darkness now, to focus on the sensations alone.

At first, he’s half afraid that Gai will push him away, but when Gai’s hands settle on his shoulders, they hold him in place. Kakashi can feel the tiniest push, then stillness. Gai’s torn, maybe. The single gasp that escapes his lips is lost with the distance between them.

It’s their first kiss and for a second Kakashi thinks he might have forgotten how to do it. For months he hasn’t done anything but fight and kill. He hasn’t kissed anyone in what feels like a lifetime.

Gai’s lips are warm, dry and just as still as his. All Kakashi can think to do is to lean in further, press up against Gai’s naked chest. He kisses Gai, nipping at his lower lip, nuzzling Gai’s cheek and breathing him in.

He feels Gai’s lips open beneath his, slowly, _hesitantly_. Kakashi doesn’t mind; this is all he needs.  Memory rushes back with the blood rushing from his head. He dips his tongue in, licking the inside of Gai’s lower lip, feeling the smooth barrier of perfect teeth. _Not a single cavity, ever,_ that’s one of Gai’s favorite gloats.

Kakashi can’t keep himself from pushing. Desire is running through him like a current. He’s been waiting for this for longer than he cares to admit, even to himself. It doesn’t matter anymore. The waiting’s over.

With a steady hand he reaches up, eye still closed, Gai’s mouth wet and pliant under his, and undoes the knot on his headband. He lets the fabric slide through his fingers, lets it drop to the floor, where it lands with a dull thud.

Gai tilts his head back, into the cushions, and Kakashi shifts his weight, the old springs in the couch creaking as they reluctantly give under his knees, to loom over Gai who is baring his throat to him, his eyes closed, just like that.

The sight is enough to make blood pound in Kakashi’s ears. He leans down, cups Gai’s cheek with one hand and looks at those black silken half-moons fanned out against Gai’s skin. Gai’s not a pretty man. He’s big but skinny, all muscle and sinew and bones under marred skin that sometimes looks as if it’s going to burst at all the seam-like scar tissue because it cannot contain him any longer.  And what could contain _him_? Kakashi thinks of dead white eyes and bright red skin and shudders with both revulsion and want.

He brushes his thumb across Gai’s lower lip; he watches Gai’s eyes open into narrow, heavy lidded slits. Silently, Kakashi mourns their unattractiveness. He knows so many people with beautiful, mesmerizing eyes. Gai is not among them.

“Kakashi…” Gai says breathlessly and Kakashi recognizes the tone as one that will quickly dispel lust and longing if given any sort of chance.

They are not going to talk tonight.

It’s bad enough that he has to feel the dead weight of Gai’s hands on his hips. It’s bad enough that he can see shadows at the edge of his peripheral vision where the wall seems to bleed away into darkness.

“Shut up,” he says pretend- jovially, meeting Gai’s eyes only for the briefest of moments. “Undress me.”

It’s a challenge.

And he’s not going to make it easy for Gai. He threads his fingers into Gai’s hair and pulls just hard enough to make him feel it. He kisses Gai with a fervor born of desperation, plunging his tongue into Gai’s mouth recklessly, making Gai gasp. Making him hard with licks and nips until he is breathless and light-headed.

Gai manages to undo the clasps of his vest somehow while Kakashi is busy sucking on his lip but that’s it. He’s not getting any further and Kakashi finds he doesn’t mind. He’s found a rhythm, a strangely hypnotic state of buzzing arousal that seems to have lost that old edge of urgency.

Gai is surprisingly tender with him, sliding his hands into Kakashi’s hair, then down over his back and under his shirt as if Kakashi was some fragile little creature, hollow-boned and precious like a songbird. It’s ridiculous and Kakashi should take offense, but somehow he can’t.    

Not when Gai’s fingers are ghosting over his scars like that, when their fleeting touch feels like it should be drawing Kakashi’s blood to the surface of his skin, like it should leave bruises and rip him to shreds.   

Kakashi stares at the black inside of his closed eyelid; he dips his head, his nose slides against Gai’s; his lips open and let Gai’s shy tongue in; his body feels like glowing embers kindled by a gentle breeze,  like he’ll die if Gai stops touching him.

But he knows that this can’t last, he can’t press against Gai forever, soaking in the heat of his body and listening to the soft sounds of their kissing. He can’t keep his lips on Gai’s for the rest of their lives, his fingers carding through Gai’s hair, messing up that hideous bowl cut.

It’s not possible and it’s not the plan.

Kakashi breaks the kiss while Gai is fumbling blindly with his sweatshirt and sleeveless top, trying his best to pull them up, but he hasn’t even gotten rid of the vest yet, so it’s a pointless endeavor.

“You fail; zero points,” Kakashi mumbles as he lets go of Gai for the split second it takes him to take off vest, sweatshirt and undershirt in two moves. He pops open the button on his pants as well and lowers the zipper while he’s at it. It’s been getting tight in there.

“Ri-!” Gai’s outrage is quickly smothered by Kakashi’s lips.

Kakashi kisses him hard again, trying to dispel the tenderness, to get them onto a different path. He tugs on Gai’s arms, shifts to the side and awkwardly lets himself sink back against the armrest. Gai doesn’t get the idea until Kakashi roughly pulls him down on top of himself.

It’s not a very comfortable position, what with the couch barely being big enough for the two of them, even stacked on top of each other as they are, but Kakashi likes the feel of Gai’s weight; he likes the way Gai’s erection is pressing against his hipbone.   

One of his legs is hanging off the couch, so Kakashi uses it to brace himself on the floor and push against Gai, who hisses and stares at him like he’s seeing Kakashi for the first time. Gai is frowning, his black eyes strangely dull. Flat like pebbles at the bottom of a murky pond.

Kakashi really doesn’t want to see what might be drifting to the surface if he waits around. So he grabs the back of Gai’s neck with one hand and pulls him back down.

It’s easy. It’s easy to get lost in the sensations. To close his eye and forget, to slide his hand down Gai’s back, to slip it under the waistband of his ridiculous briefs.  To feel Gai roll his hips against him.

Kakashi shifts and wriggles. The couch creaks. He needs one free hand to pull at his pants, trying to get them off. His arousal is a pleasant, steady hum. He’s got himself under control.

Even Gai’s quick tongue can’t change that. Irritatingly, Gai’s hands stay above his waistline. Even more annoyingly, they still touch him like he is something ancient and precious.

 Like he could break in half any second.

And he can’t take it anymore.

He pushes Gai away, slips out from under him, fishes the tube of lubricant out of his pocket and kicks off his pants and underwear.

“Here. Use it.” It’s as simple as that. Kakashi slaps the tube in Gai’s hand, pushes him out of the way and lies down face down on the couch. He’s sick and tired of the romantic approach. This isn’t Icha Icha. Life is short.

“Kakashi—“

“What? Do I have to do it myself?” Kakashi shoots Gai a glare over his shoulder. It’s not like he’s asking much.

Gai opens his mouth to protest – well, of course he does – but Kakashi just snorts, “Fine” and extends his hand to take the lube back.

 That’s all it takes for Gai to come crawling over awkwardly because he wants this, of course he does, he’s probably wanted this for far longer than Kakashi has, and he knows that Kakashi won’t give him another chance if he misses this one.

It’s as simple as that.

***

It doesn’t hurt, which is a bit of a surprise. Gai slides in easily enough after some lube spreading and probing with his fingers. He feels big, a lot bigger than Kakashi knows he is, in fact, but it doesn’t hurt.

In a way, that’s disappointing. From his reading Kakashi expected something along the lines of a pain as if he was going to be split in half.

It burns a little.

But he’s distracted by Gai kissing the back of his neck; he’s distracted by Gai working his hand under him and around his dick.

Gai is still gentle; he’s still sweet. He moves as slowly as the tide; he buries his face in the side of Kakashi’s neck, flooding Kakashi’s senses with his melancholic old-man- smell.

It’s not what Kakashi wanted at all.

His body, though, doesn’t seem to realize that.  He can feel himself responding to Gai’s slow movements. He can feel the pressure building against his will.

Gai isn’t so much stroking him as he’s caressing, his fingertips brushing the head of Kakashi’s cock in a way that sends shivers of pleasure rippling down his spine.

He can feel Gai mouthing his name against his neck; he can feel something else, the hot wet dripping of liquid on his skin.

_Fucking Gai._

_That crybaby._

He thinks the word and can’t unthink it. It lodges inside of him, far deeper than Gai can ever hope to reach.

He’d wanted painful sex, hard and rough and desperate. He’d wanted to clutch at Gai, to sink his teeth into him until he could taste blood. He’d wanted to claw at Gai, to tear him apart. He’d wanted to feel alive.

He hadn’t wanted this.

Frustrated, Kakashi bites into the armrest; he claws at the fabric.

Gai’s breath is hot in his ear; Kakashi squeezes his eye shut and finds himself in the palm of Gai’s hand.

Pleasure spikes at the height of every thrust before it ebbs away again, to the edge of Kakashi’s consciousness.  

Until out of nowhere, without warning, he feels his control slipping. He wants Gai to stop. He needs Gai to stop almost as much as he needs him to _never_ stop.

It’s quick and in a way that makes it more painful than anything. That flash of pure pleasure, of completeness; it’s gone so fast. It leaves him gasping helplessly, suddenly far too aware of the stupid rhythmic creaking of the couch, of Gai’s shuddering breaths.

Of the way Gai feels inside of him, filling him like blood filling a fresh wound.

***

When Gai comes, Kakashi hates him a little. He hates that small, vulnerable noise Gai makes.

He hates the way Gai clings to him.

He hates how he wants to do it all over and over again.

***

Afterwards there’s silence.

Kakashi picks his clothes up off the floor and disentangles them. Gai goes to look around for his panda briefs, which Kakashi has long since spotted hidden among the dust bunnies under the couch.

He doesn’t mention it, though; just watches Gai bend and frown at the floorboards.

“I’ve got to go,” he says once he’s wearing most of his outfit. Something’s trickling down his leg, he can feel it. Should’ve taken the time to clean up properly. Well, too late now. “See you around.”

He pauses at the door for something that can barely be described as a wave, making it last a few seconds longer than necessary, waiting for Gai’s inevitable attempt to convince him to stay.

Gai looks up from where he’s crouching on the floor, still searching for the stupid briefs, and flashes him a smile that is light-years away from reaching his eyes.

“Yeah,” he says.

***

Outside the weather has shifted from cold to freezing.

For a moment Kakashi simply stands there, on Gai’s doorstep, and watches his warm breath turn into dissolving smoke. There and gone in a second.

Something enters his field of vision from above, drifting past his nose and to the gray-brown ground. A white spot that slowly melts away into nothing.

Snow.

His mind a screen filled with nothing but black and white noise, Kakashi shoves his hands into his pockets and starts walking back to his apartment.

end.

*

*

*

*

_[Somewhere, miles and miles away, Hatake Kakashi is standing on an empty patch of dirt, staring at the dark spot where he watched what was left of his friend-enemy-friend come apart at the seams. Somewhere, between here and there, Maito Gai is still carrying his student’s dead body home.]_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from this quote by Franz Kafka:  
> "Verlassen sind wir doch wie verirrte Kinder im Walde. Wenn Du vor mir stehst und mich ansiehst, was weißt Du von den Schmerzen, die in mir sind und was weiß ich von den Deinen. Und wenn ich mich vor Dir niederwerfen würde und weinen und erzählen, was wüßtest Du von mir mehr als von der Hölle, wenn Dir jemand erzählt, sie ist heiß und fürchterlich. Schon darum sollten wir Menschen vor einander so ehrfürchtig, so nachdenklich, so liebend stehn wie vor dem Eingang zur Hölle."
> 
> Translation (via Wikiquote):
> 
> "We are as forlorn as children lost in the woods. When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours. And if I were to cast myself down before you and weep and tell you, what more would you know about me than you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful? For that reason alone we human beings ought to stand before one another as reverently, as reflectively, as lovingly, as we would before the entrance to Hell."


End file.
